We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
