She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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