The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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