you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
