I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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