Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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