Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
