i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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