How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
