I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
