i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
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