Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
