did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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