I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
