Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Even the bartender felt bad for me
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
