She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
