Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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