first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
