Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
