I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
