He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
