apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
