The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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