When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
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