I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
