we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
