the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
