Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
