Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
