I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
