last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
