Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
