Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
