Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
