You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
