I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
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