you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
