I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
