my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Randomize
