Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
