He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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