mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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