Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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