I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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