I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Randomize
