Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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