So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
