i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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