You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
