Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
